OK!!! What did happen last night?? The bar was just as sad as always, groups of people wandering around in a sea of smoke and spilled beer. Some looking for "The One," others looking for "One" and others sitting in the corner...starved for attention....fantasizing that anyone will come talk to them. The bars in this town are a cross between a drunken monkey cage in a zoo and a sad movie that wouldn't even get made. A script that would only get the response of, "Who the fuck would want to see this?? I mean a sad monotonous story about the same people doing the same ridiculous things??" Oh....I forgot, they're called soap operas...maybe I have something there???? Ugh, sorry, I digress. "Wow," I mumbled to myself, "I moved six hours back for this?" Thankfully I didn't answer myself, but the thought of how it's human nature to crave the things we don't have started trickling back in my brain again. I moved away from my home town for almost six years, had a great setup, good life, but there were more times than not when I would miss doing what I have done for the last two years straight. "Wrong on that one." I mumbled. The few moments after I wake up are the only times that I'm not so over dramatic that I come to the point of driving people crazy. I smiled to myself enjoying my docility and thinking of all the times I sacrificed a glass of water for the job security of a waitress, or had a group of people laugh at me when I get so into the story....I seem to forget exactly what I'm talking about.......like now. I think my point revolved around the thought that if we just glorify things in our memory?? Make it out to be more than it was?? God, Mom does that some times....all she talks about when we get alone is how much she misses Dad. I mean, I know, I miss him too...but crying everyday isn't going to do much for us is it?? They had a great marriage, truly in love, not perfect, but who's is right?? Why cant we ju.........."oooohhhh" I sighed. I can't really even say that it was an actual word, it felt like every ounce of strength, happiness, even life I had at that time followed that sigh out of my body. Today is the six year anniversary of Dad's death. Maybe this was the world preparing me for the day I was going to have. It's only right that I woke up in misery I thought....Its not like things are really gonna pick up from here. That would have a been a shitty crash and burn......I'll take it. From there I limped back to my room, changed clothes and prepared for this bizarre tradition of the last few years. Go to Mom's house, listen to her cry, try to use my words wisely, and say " I know...I know." Sometimes it seems like I am too hard on her for her OBSESSION on holding on to her misery. It seems like she feels she is cheating him by actually being happy... There is a good chance I'll never understand that but I am still left with my responsibility of being her crutch, that's where the line of me cheating my father begins. I have an obligation to these two people for the many years that they dedicated their life to nothing but me. if I do anything less than everything I can to help...I am cheating him and her. It's not like its a burden, its just hard sometimes. So I packed up clothes for work and threw them inside of my car, trying to cover up the huge gorilla that was in my passenger seat. I mean, its not that I really have anything against gorillas..its just that this one always had something to yap about. The ole gorilla was a little bigger today, it almost seemed that he was hesitant to start in....reminding me of what I was in store for...so I did both of us a favor and turned up the radio as loud as my hangover would let me.
The drive was a little different than any other time. The same stretch of boring road I grew to hate due to all the times I had driven it, yet today I hardly noticed the old run down buildings of Main St., the barren farm fields, the people darting across the road obviously not knowing the extent that they were tempting fate by getting anywhere near my car today. Today my car was on cruise control, my eyes never left the road, but I couldn't tell you a single thing I saw. My mind was scrambling around, running from some thoughts while chasing others. I guess it's like smashing your finger with a hammer after you dropped something on your toe, I thought. Pick your poison...yeah, choose your pain, its brilliant...find a misery you are comfortable with. Now, whether it was this logic that I was desperately trying to convince myself was good, or the brake lights in front of me, but I was startled back to reality...just in time I might add. Reality revealed itself in the way of a large Ford truck, driven by a very old man, the type of man that didn't really have any business on the road. The type of asshole that starts slowing down a mile before his turn, and has NO CONCEPT of this oddity we call a turn signal. I guess I have no right to display my contempt for this driver on the opposite end of the spectrum of me I thought. I mean come on....I AM the asshole that almost rear ended him, I'll keep my fingers and opinions to myself, no point in going there. The car popped as if it was giving me the finger when I pressed the brake, "Uhhhh," I said, "That didn't sound good." A small frown came over my face as I looked at the dash and mumbled, "Come on, I don't need YOU to start bitching about my driving, everyone else does just fine thank you." OK!! There it is!!!, the proof everyone has been looking for. For years the people closest to me have told me I'm nuts....and I just had a conversation with my car. I think I'll put that in the same place where I put my finger and my opinion of the asshole...who was still turning I might add. The last thing they need is actual proof of me being a nutcase. Back to the task at hand, I thought. Do I act like there is nothing wrong, do I walk straight in and bring it up? Riiiiiight, even if I walk away in pain, there is no way I'm sticking my finger in the mouse trap, I thought, this year is on you Mom.
I walked into the house greeted by a trio of dogs barking and screeching at the top of their lungs, acting as if I don't do this multiple times a week. Might as well start our routine I thought, "Shut up," I snarled while shutting the door, and right on cue, while sitting at the table peeling potatoes never even looking up. "Be nice to them." she replied in a soft voice. I looked up.......no response today. No sarcastic remark to her, no continuation of my criticism of my undersized "siblings." I could see it, how couldn't I?? She should have had it written across her sweatshirt:
Hi, I'm Jerry.
If I was any sadder
I would literally melt.
"Hi, how are you?" I said as I laid my keys on the table. She looked up at me with a face that I knew all too well. Bloodshot eyes from crying, shoulders slumped from carrying the memory of my father for six years today. "Not too good to be honest, today is the six year anniversary of your father's death." "I know," I said trying to interrupt, but there was no stopping her today, nothing could sidetrack everything that had been boiling inside of her all day. She started in talking about how much she missed him, only for her tears to increase as she started speaking of money problems and the change in me throughout the last two years. Way to go jackass!! I thought....At least your selfishness is hurting someone else but you....Happy now????? STOP IT!!, my mind shrieked, stop thinking about yourself until she's done please!!! I quietly agreed with myself as she continued to go on about everything that was wrong in our lives. A lot of people that know me well give me a hard time about me being over dramatic....being "goofy," or not taking a lot of things seriously, but here it was....my single use for these attributes. I sat there, wearing my best strong face as well as I could, and waited for her to be done. There wasn't much I could say to help about Dad, I was talking to a woman that is good to a fault, loves to a fault, believes to a fault. One of the single greatest people I have ever met......to a fault. So I did what I could about Dad....saying the things I always say, praying the crying will stop. I continued on to tell her that I was changing....getting "back on track," getting my life together, explaining how I was starting to make enough money to try to correct these money problems we have. And just when the timing was right....BAM!! there it was, that perfect time for a well placed joke.....that joke that could force a smile on a face that hadn't seen one all day. Thank you God, I thought, just help me out here. I changed the subject, complimented on ANYTHING that I could find that was different about the house, things cleaned, things moved, the way the AMAZING dinner smelled. There really isn't enough that you can do for a person that life has used for a doormat.... God knows I don't do enough most times...It's not too late I thought as we walked into the living room. I need something to get her mind off of the day, I thought about it for a second...and then it hit me, our saving grace at this moment....playoff football. What?? Isn't that a bonding experience with all guys and their mothers?? OK, yeah I know...not so much, but when I played football, my mom got into football. Started following it because I played it, because I loved it, which branched into being a St. Louis Cardinals fan...and really hasn't looked back since. She's the type of fan that you can call to see where the Cardinal's are and when they play, not just a fair weather fan. I sat there in sheer amazement that I had been bailed out....not to mention by none other than Brett Favre and a ninety pound Boxer that insists that he is a lap dog. We laughed, we talked, commented on how spoiled the dog was, how good Brett's arm was...ya know...the important things in life. Yeah.......we miss you Dad.
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