Reason #114 why I need to leave my hometown.

OK, that might sound a little much but I probably could come up with that many reasons why my mailing and address and Poplar Bluff should have nothing in common. Unfortunately at this time they do.

I have traditionally been a neat person, I have always kept up with my things and made sure I did my part to make sure my home was kept clean. Sometimes I have done my share and others too which is what I thought the majority of my current problem came from. Throughout college, and the last two years I have had a few roommates that were slobs, in college I would just pick up after them and end up resenting them because I did clean up after them. In the last two years I refused to do it, I thought, I'll keep all of my things put up and clean and if they are going to be a slob, that's their thing. Well, between a bout of depression, and having these slob roommates I became a slob. When I lived in Springfield, at my parent's house, and especially in Kansas City, I took pride in where I lived. I made it a big point to clean up after myself and throughout some of my stay in Springfield and K.C. I had a great roommate that together we were clean enough that it motivated us to take that extra effort to make our house/apt nice. What went wrong?? When did I lose that??

For the longest time I blamed depression, which at the time might have been the truth but right now I cant say that, I am happier than I have been in a long time right now. I don't have the neatest roommate but he isn't terrible, so that doesn't hold too much water. As I stared at my mound of dirty clothes in my floor today something occurred to me. I don't have a place in this town that is overwhelmingly my home. In this town I am always being pulled in different directions. My phone rings way too much and it is someone trying to get me to the bar, (which I do too much) come to their house, (I spend so much time at one friends house I have my own room there) or its my mother trying to get me to go to her house. OK, me going to my mother's house is a big part of it. This is the same house I grew up in, constantly having to do some odd job there, go there two to three times a week to see her, and I have some of my things still there. I spend three days at work...literally, I spend a literal majority of my time there those days, and I have my "house." My house I use as a glorified locker, store my stuff, shower, and sleep.....that's it, I'm rarely there. This has made me realize that the fact that I am always somewhere different in this place....all the time....has made me lose my sense of home. Yeah, I feel less at home in my hometown right now than anywhere else...while that may sound ironic, if you knew this place, you would understand. I know me not being happy in the town that I'm at doesn't help anything, but I truly think the fact that I am almost literally somewhere different every night has me feeling a little lost. I have spent the last two years searching for something in this town that isn't here. So, if I cut down on my running around, and really establish myself in my house, I think there is progress to be made.