Damnit Murica!!
I don't want to!!
Three cheers for getting this Three year old out of office!!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Orderly chaos
Ok.....so I was watching my favorite show on T.V. tonight, The Universe, I know...I'm pretty sad. But it got me thinking. Everything in our universe, everything thing that we know....is ordered chaos. I mean, space is one of the most violent, hazardous places to be, complete chaos. Yet....to our current knowledge it is still governed by the laws of physics. These laws make all of the matter in the universe behave in certain ways. For instance, since there has been life on earth said life experiences a MASS extinction every twenty-six million years. Ok, I realize there are no astrophysical laws that can explain such an occurence, in fact that has nothing to do with physics...but what can make an event that is so catastrophic that it eliminates like 90% of the life on earth.....on a schedule. Ok...scratch that, I guess the governing physics involving that is the release of energy when a mountain traveling 10,000 miles an hour smacks earth like a cue ball....yeah.....boom. So, the release of that energy is predictable....you collide two objects with that much mass and energy anything around it will be vaporized, that is easily explainable. But..who or what makes that extinction happen like clockwork?? That's not really easy to explain.
(Right now I would like to say that I know there are holes in saying that physics governs all objects....i.e. the physics that govern the planets and large objects don't always apply to subatomic particles and such, but that gets into Quantum physics....and I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. This is more philisophical than scientific, so if you try to argue about details here I will come to your house and thrash you mercilessly.)
I digress, so.....if you look at this pretty abstractly, the same thing that makes things happen in such an incomprehensible scale, like the formation of galaxies, birth and death of stars, also makes my life chaotic. Right???? I mean every time I have felt good about my life, felt that I had a direction or just being content with it, something completely grabs it by the ankles and shakes it up. It has ranged from everything from a divorce, randomly walking into a room, to a near death experience..but they all have things in common. One, I didn't see them coming, and two...they have shaken me to the core wondering where I'm going with life. It's getting to the point where I feel like it's my "life exercise," something has to happen to keep me from feeling like I know where I want my life to go, keep me on my toes. But....why?? Who doesn't want me to have this simple mundane life?? I know this sounds REALLY stupid, but I feel like there is something that I am supposed to achieve....something that I am supposed to do with my life that I haven't done yet.....but what in the hell is it?? I feel like since my father has died I have had the training wheels taken off of my bike. I start to go one direction...and someone pushes me back straight, until I start going another direction...and then I get pushed somewhere else. I have put myself in SO many positions that I could have easily died or lived that life for the rest of my life...and yet I come out smelling like a rose,(knocking on wood) or had that life yanked right out from under my feet. Why???? How can the last 6 years of my life be so chaotic....yet I'm starting to see order to it. The order is simply that I haven't done what I'm supposed to do yet.......and I'm being reminded of it...consistently. Ok, let me tie this together, it is easily explainable how a divorce or a near death experience can shake you up and make your life chaotic...but why does it keep happening?? Not so easy to explain. What is it God?? Why does this ordered chaos keep pushing me around?? I feel like I'm being pushed in circles...I wouldn't know if I'm going in a specific direction because I feel like I'm completely in the dark. So here is the question I am horrified to ask. What is it you want me to do??? I think I'm ready to hear it.
(Right now I would like to say that I know there are holes in saying that physics governs all objects....i.e. the physics that govern the planets and large objects don't always apply to subatomic particles and such, but that gets into Quantum physics....and I'm still trying to wrap my head around that. This is more philisophical than scientific, so if you try to argue about details here I will come to your house and thrash you mercilessly.)
I digress, so.....if you look at this pretty abstractly, the same thing that makes things happen in such an incomprehensible scale, like the formation of galaxies, birth and death of stars, also makes my life chaotic. Right???? I mean every time I have felt good about my life, felt that I had a direction or just being content with it, something completely grabs it by the ankles and shakes it up. It has ranged from everything from a divorce, randomly walking into a room, to a near death experience..but they all have things in common. One, I didn't see them coming, and two...they have shaken me to the core wondering where I'm going with life. It's getting to the point where I feel like it's my "life exercise," something has to happen to keep me from feeling like I know where I want my life to go, keep me on my toes. But....why?? Who doesn't want me to have this simple mundane life?? I know this sounds REALLY stupid, but I feel like there is something that I am supposed to achieve....something that I am supposed to do with my life that I haven't done yet.....but what in the hell is it?? I feel like since my father has died I have had the training wheels taken off of my bike. I start to go one direction...and someone pushes me back straight, until I start going another direction...and then I get pushed somewhere else. I have put myself in SO many positions that I could have easily died or lived that life for the rest of my life...and yet I come out smelling like a rose,(knocking on wood) or had that life yanked right out from under my feet. Why???? How can the last 6 years of my life be so chaotic....yet I'm starting to see order to it. The order is simply that I haven't done what I'm supposed to do yet.......and I'm being reminded of it...consistently. Ok, let me tie this together, it is easily explainable how a divorce or a near death experience can shake you up and make your life chaotic...but why does it keep happening?? Not so easy to explain. What is it God?? Why does this ordered chaos keep pushing me around?? I feel like I'm being pushed in circles...I wouldn't know if I'm going in a specific direction because I feel like I'm completely in the dark. So here is the question I am horrified to ask. What is it you want me to do??? I think I'm ready to hear it.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Reason #114 why I need to leave my hometown.
OK, that might sound a little much but I probably could come up with that many reasons why my mailing and address and Poplar Bluff should have nothing in common. Unfortunately at this time they do.
I have traditionally been a neat person, I have always kept up with my things and made sure I did my part to make sure my home was kept clean. Sometimes I have done my share and others too which is what I thought the majority of my current problem came from. Throughout college, and the last two years I have had a few roommates that were slobs, in college I would just pick up after them and end up resenting them because I did clean up after them. In the last two years I refused to do it, I thought, I'll keep all of my things put up and clean and if they are going to be a slob, that's their thing. Well, between a bout of depression, and having these slob roommates I became a slob. When I lived in Springfield, at my parent's house, and especially in Kansas City, I took pride in where I lived. I made it a big point to clean up after myself and throughout some of my stay in Springfield and K.C. I had a great roommate that together we were clean enough that it motivated us to take that extra effort to make our house/apt nice. What went wrong?? When did I lose that??
For the longest time I blamed depression, which at the time might have been the truth but right now I cant say that, I am happier than I have been in a long time right now. I don't have the neatest roommate but he isn't terrible, so that doesn't hold too much water. As I stared at my mound of dirty clothes in my floor today something occurred to me. I don't have a place in this town that is overwhelmingly my home. In this town I am always being pulled in different directions. My phone rings way too much and it is someone trying to get me to the bar, (which I do too much) come to their house, (I spend so much time at one friends house I have my own room there) or its my mother trying to get me to go to her house. OK, me going to my mother's house is a big part of it. This is the same house I grew up in, constantly having to do some odd job there, go there two to three times a week to see her, and I have some of my things still there. I spend three days at work...literally, I spend a literal majority of my time there those days, and I have my "house." My house I use as a glorified locker, store my stuff, shower, and sleep.....that's it, I'm rarely there. This has made me realize that the fact that I am always somewhere different in this place....all the time....has made me lose my sense of home. Yeah, I feel less at home in my hometown right now than anywhere else...while that may sound ironic, if you knew this place, you would understand. I know me not being happy in the town that I'm at doesn't help anything, but I truly think the fact that I am almost literally somewhere different every night has me feeling a little lost. I have spent the last two years searching for something in this town that isn't here. So, if I cut down on my running around, and really establish myself in my house, I think there is progress to be made.
I have traditionally been a neat person, I have always kept up with my things and made sure I did my part to make sure my home was kept clean. Sometimes I have done my share and others too which is what I thought the majority of my current problem came from. Throughout college, and the last two years I have had a few roommates that were slobs, in college I would just pick up after them and end up resenting them because I did clean up after them. In the last two years I refused to do it, I thought, I'll keep all of my things put up and clean and if they are going to be a slob, that's their thing. Well, between a bout of depression, and having these slob roommates I became a slob. When I lived in Springfield, at my parent's house, and especially in Kansas City, I took pride in where I lived. I made it a big point to clean up after myself and throughout some of my stay in Springfield and K.C. I had a great roommate that together we were clean enough that it motivated us to take that extra effort to make our house/apt nice. What went wrong?? When did I lose that??
For the longest time I blamed depression, which at the time might have been the truth but right now I cant say that, I am happier than I have been in a long time right now. I don't have the neatest roommate but he isn't terrible, so that doesn't hold too much water. As I stared at my mound of dirty clothes in my floor today something occurred to me. I don't have a place in this town that is overwhelmingly my home. In this town I am always being pulled in different directions. My phone rings way too much and it is someone trying to get me to the bar, (which I do too much) come to their house, (I spend so much time at one friends house I have my own room there) or its my mother trying to get me to go to her house. OK, me going to my mother's house is a big part of it. This is the same house I grew up in, constantly having to do some odd job there, go there two to three times a week to see her, and I have some of my things still there. I spend three days at work...literally, I spend a literal majority of my time there those days, and I have my "house." My house I use as a glorified locker, store my stuff, shower, and sleep.....that's it, I'm rarely there. This has made me realize that the fact that I am always somewhere different in this place....all the time....has made me lose my sense of home. Yeah, I feel less at home in my hometown right now than anywhere else...while that may sound ironic, if you knew this place, you would understand. I know me not being happy in the town that I'm at doesn't help anything, but I truly think the fact that I am almost literally somewhere different every night has me feeling a little lost. I have spent the last two years searching for something in this town that isn't here. So, if I cut down on my running around, and really establish myself in my house, I think there is progress to be made.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Your average milestone day.
"Uhhhhh", I moaned quietly as the first seconds of Sunday came rushing in. Sharp pains stabbing in my shoulder woke me up again today. How glorious to have world class pain from a mediocre athletic career, I thought. Just one of those little quirky things about life I suppose, but all the same.....I am way too used to this. As I opened my eyes, I closed them again very quickly...."What the hell?!?!" went screaming through my head as my eyes joined my shoulder in perfect harmony torturing me. Why is it so bright?? My room is a dungeon....and this my friend is no dungeon. I started rubbing my eyes going through the checklist of events that led me to where ever the hell I was when it hit me.....my couch....thank God. As bad as that shoulder hurt, I was very attached to it and had no desire to chew it off to ensure my quiet escape from here. I laid there...eyes closed..basking in the sunlight of a bright afternoon. You seem to long for the things you don't have in life, love, parents, friends, jobs....but at this exact moment, the sun and I were the only things in my world. Ever since I started working the night shift the sun has been a bit of a fleeting commodity for me. Being a night owl has some fun aspects to it but right now...there was nothing going to come between me and those warm rays. Well, maybe that shoulder...it was definitely nagging at me for a little relief so maybe I could throw it a bone and THEN I could lay here and enjoy the sun. As I prepared to turn over, pain shot through my left ankle and ran right up my leg freezing me with a look on my face that I will be forever thankful that no one captured on film. Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me. I thought to myself.. Anything else wanna speak up?? Or can I get this over with?? I laid there with my grimace, waiting...and thankfully after a quick evaluation.....everything else seemed to be fine. The ankle only took a second to remember, there is something about riding a moped with no lights at 3:00 A.M., AFTER a bottle of scotch that just reeks of dumb...well that and grain alcohol. OK I thought.....Maybe I had this coming. This is just God's hand slap. Anyone that stupid should be happy they aren't waking up in traction....I'll take that swollen ankle. I would tell you I wouldn't do thing stupid like that...but I have been working on being more honest in my life....so I guess there isn't much use in lying to myself or you God...But I'm guessing you saw that coming too, huh?? No answer?? Fair enough I thought.
OK!!! What did happen last night?? The bar was just as sad as always, groups of people wandering around in a sea of smoke and spilled beer. Some looking for "The One," others looking for "One" and others sitting in the corner...starved for attention....fantasizing that anyone will come talk to them. The bars in this town are a cross between a drunken monkey cage in a zoo and a sad movie that wouldn't even get made. A script that would only get the response of, "Who the fuck would want to see this?? I mean a sad monotonous story about the same people doing the same ridiculous things??" Oh....I forgot, they're called soap operas...maybe I have something there???? Ugh, sorry, I digress. "Wow," I mumbled to myself, "I moved six hours back for this?" Thankfully I didn't answer myself, but the thought of how it's human nature to crave the things we don't have started trickling back in my brain again. I moved away from my home town for almost six years, had a great setup, good life, but there were more times than not when I would miss doing what I have done for the last two years straight. "Wrong on that one." I mumbled. The few moments after I wake up are the only times that I'm not so over dramatic that I come to the point of driving people crazy. I smiled to myself enjoying my docility and thinking of all the times I sacrificed a glass of water for the job security of a waitress, or had a group of people laugh at me when I get so into the story....I seem to forget exactly what I'm talking about.......like now. I think my point revolved around the thought that if we just glorify things in our memory?? Make it out to be more than it was?? God, Mom does that some times....all she talks about when we get alone is how much she misses Dad. I mean, I know, I miss him too...but crying everyday isn't going to do much for us is it?? They had a great marriage, truly in love, not perfect, but who's is right?? Why cant we ju.........."oooohhhh" I sighed. I can't really even say that it was an actual word, it felt like every ounce of strength, happiness, even life I had at that time followed that sigh out of my body. Today is the six year anniversary of Dad's death. Maybe this was the world preparing me for the day I was going to have. It's only right that I woke up in misery I thought....Its not like things are really gonna pick up from here. That would have a been a shitty crash and burn......I'll take it. From there I limped back to my room, changed clothes and prepared for this bizarre tradition of the last few years. Go to Mom's house, listen to her cry, try to use my words wisely, and say " I know...I know." Sometimes it seems like I am too hard on her for her OBSESSION on holding on to her misery. It seems like she feels she is cheating him by actually being happy... There is a good chance I'll never understand that but I am still left with my responsibility of being her crutch, that's where the line of me cheating my father begins. I have an obligation to these two people for the many years that they dedicated their life to nothing but me. if I do anything less than everything I can to help...I am cheating him and her. It's not like its a burden, its just hard sometimes. So I packed up clothes for work and threw them inside of my car, trying to cover up the huge gorilla that was in my passenger seat. I mean, its not that I really have anything against gorillas..its just that this one always had something to yap about. The ole gorilla was a little bigger today, it almost seemed that he was hesitant to start in....reminding me of what I was in store for...so I did both of us a favor and turned up the radio as loud as my hangover would let me.
The drive was a little different than any other time. The same stretch of boring road I grew to hate due to all the times I had driven it, yet today I hardly noticed the old run down buildings of Main St., the barren farm fields, the people darting across the road obviously not knowing the extent that they were tempting fate by getting anywhere near my car today. Today my car was on cruise control, my eyes never left the road, but I couldn't tell you a single thing I saw. My mind was scrambling around, running from some thoughts while chasing others. I guess it's like smashing your finger with a hammer after you dropped something on your toe, I thought. Pick your poison...yeah, choose your pain, its brilliant...find a misery you are comfortable with. Now, whether it was this logic that I was desperately trying to convince myself was good, or the brake lights in front of me, but I was startled back to reality...just in time I might add. Reality revealed itself in the way of a large Ford truck, driven by a very old man, the type of man that didn't really have any business on the road. The type of asshole that starts slowing down a mile before his turn, and has NO CONCEPT of this oddity we call a turn signal. I guess I have no right to display my contempt for this driver on the opposite end of the spectrum of me I thought. I mean come on....I AM the asshole that almost rear ended him, I'll keep my fingers and opinions to myself, no point in going there. The car popped as if it was giving me the finger when I pressed the brake, "Uhhhh," I said, "That didn't sound good." A small frown came over my face as I looked at the dash and mumbled, "Come on, I don't need YOU to start bitching about my driving, everyone else does just fine thank you." OK!! There it is!!!, the proof everyone has been looking for. For years the people closest to me have told me I'm nuts....and I just had a conversation with my car. I think I'll put that in the same place where I put my finger and my opinion of the asshole...who was still turning I might add. The last thing they need is actual proof of me being a nutcase. Back to the task at hand, I thought. Do I act like there is nothing wrong, do I walk straight in and bring it up? Riiiiiight, even if I walk away in pain, there is no way I'm sticking my finger in the mouse trap, I thought, this year is on you Mom.
I walked into the house greeted by a trio of dogs barking and screeching at the top of their lungs, acting as if I don't do this multiple times a week. Might as well start our routine I thought, "Shut up," I snarled while shutting the door, and right on cue, while sitting at the table peeling potatoes never even looking up. "Be nice to them." she replied in a soft voice. I looked up.......no response today. No sarcastic remark to her, no continuation of my criticism of my undersized "siblings." I could see it, how couldn't I?? She should have had it written across her sweatshirt:
OK!!! What did happen last night?? The bar was just as sad as always, groups of people wandering around in a sea of smoke and spilled beer. Some looking for "The One," others looking for "One" and others sitting in the corner...starved for attention....fantasizing that anyone will come talk to them. The bars in this town are a cross between a drunken monkey cage in a zoo and a sad movie that wouldn't even get made. A script that would only get the response of, "Who the fuck would want to see this?? I mean a sad monotonous story about the same people doing the same ridiculous things??" Oh....I forgot, they're called soap operas...maybe I have something there???? Ugh, sorry, I digress. "Wow," I mumbled to myself, "I moved six hours back for this?" Thankfully I didn't answer myself, but the thought of how it's human nature to crave the things we don't have started trickling back in my brain again. I moved away from my home town for almost six years, had a great setup, good life, but there were more times than not when I would miss doing what I have done for the last two years straight. "Wrong on that one." I mumbled. The few moments after I wake up are the only times that I'm not so over dramatic that I come to the point of driving people crazy. I smiled to myself enjoying my docility and thinking of all the times I sacrificed a glass of water for the job security of a waitress, or had a group of people laugh at me when I get so into the story....I seem to forget exactly what I'm talking about.......like now. I think my point revolved around the thought that if we just glorify things in our memory?? Make it out to be more than it was?? God, Mom does that some times....all she talks about when we get alone is how much she misses Dad. I mean, I know, I miss him too...but crying everyday isn't going to do much for us is it?? They had a great marriage, truly in love, not perfect, but who's is right?? Why cant we ju.........."oooohhhh" I sighed. I can't really even say that it was an actual word, it felt like every ounce of strength, happiness, even life I had at that time followed that sigh out of my body. Today is the six year anniversary of Dad's death. Maybe this was the world preparing me for the day I was going to have. It's only right that I woke up in misery I thought....Its not like things are really gonna pick up from here. That would have a been a shitty crash and burn......I'll take it. From there I limped back to my room, changed clothes and prepared for this bizarre tradition of the last few years. Go to Mom's house, listen to her cry, try to use my words wisely, and say " I know...I know." Sometimes it seems like I am too hard on her for her OBSESSION on holding on to her misery. It seems like she feels she is cheating him by actually being happy... There is a good chance I'll never understand that but I am still left with my responsibility of being her crutch, that's where the line of me cheating my father begins. I have an obligation to these two people for the many years that they dedicated their life to nothing but me. if I do anything less than everything I can to help...I am cheating him and her. It's not like its a burden, its just hard sometimes. So I packed up clothes for work and threw them inside of my car, trying to cover up the huge gorilla that was in my passenger seat. I mean, its not that I really have anything against gorillas..its just that this one always had something to yap about. The ole gorilla was a little bigger today, it almost seemed that he was hesitant to start in....reminding me of what I was in store for...so I did both of us a favor and turned up the radio as loud as my hangover would let me.
The drive was a little different than any other time. The same stretch of boring road I grew to hate due to all the times I had driven it, yet today I hardly noticed the old run down buildings of Main St., the barren farm fields, the people darting across the road obviously not knowing the extent that they were tempting fate by getting anywhere near my car today. Today my car was on cruise control, my eyes never left the road, but I couldn't tell you a single thing I saw. My mind was scrambling around, running from some thoughts while chasing others. I guess it's like smashing your finger with a hammer after you dropped something on your toe, I thought. Pick your poison...yeah, choose your pain, its brilliant...find a misery you are comfortable with. Now, whether it was this logic that I was desperately trying to convince myself was good, or the brake lights in front of me, but I was startled back to reality...just in time I might add. Reality revealed itself in the way of a large Ford truck, driven by a very old man, the type of man that didn't really have any business on the road. The type of asshole that starts slowing down a mile before his turn, and has NO CONCEPT of this oddity we call a turn signal. I guess I have no right to display my contempt for this driver on the opposite end of the spectrum of me I thought. I mean come on....I AM the asshole that almost rear ended him, I'll keep my fingers and opinions to myself, no point in going there. The car popped as if it was giving me the finger when I pressed the brake, "Uhhhh," I said, "That didn't sound good." A small frown came over my face as I looked at the dash and mumbled, "Come on, I don't need YOU to start bitching about my driving, everyone else does just fine thank you." OK!! There it is!!!, the proof everyone has been looking for. For years the people closest to me have told me I'm nuts....and I just had a conversation with my car. I think I'll put that in the same place where I put my finger and my opinion of the asshole...who was still turning I might add. The last thing they need is actual proof of me being a nutcase. Back to the task at hand, I thought. Do I act like there is nothing wrong, do I walk straight in and bring it up? Riiiiiight, even if I walk away in pain, there is no way I'm sticking my finger in the mouse trap, I thought, this year is on you Mom.
I walked into the house greeted by a trio of dogs barking and screeching at the top of their lungs, acting as if I don't do this multiple times a week. Might as well start our routine I thought, "Shut up," I snarled while shutting the door, and right on cue, while sitting at the table peeling potatoes never even looking up. "Be nice to them." she replied in a soft voice. I looked up.......no response today. No sarcastic remark to her, no continuation of my criticism of my undersized "siblings." I could see it, how couldn't I?? She should have had it written across her sweatshirt:
Hi, I'm Jerry.
If I was any sadder
I would literally melt.
"Hi, how are you?" I said as I laid my keys on the table. She looked up at me with a face that I knew all too well. Bloodshot eyes from crying, shoulders slumped from carrying the memory of my father for six years today. "Not too good to be honest, today is the six year anniversary of your father's death." "I know," I said trying to interrupt, but there was no stopping her today, nothing could sidetrack everything that had been boiling inside of her all day. She started in talking about how much she missed him, only for her tears to increase as she started speaking of money problems and the change in me throughout the last two years. Way to go jackass!! I thought....At least your selfishness is hurting someone else but you....Happy now????? STOP IT!!, my mind shrieked, stop thinking about yourself until she's done please!!! I quietly agreed with myself as she continued to go on about everything that was wrong in our lives. A lot of people that know me well give me a hard time about me being over dramatic....being "goofy," or not taking a lot of things seriously, but here it was....my single use for these attributes. I sat there, wearing my best strong face as well as I could, and waited for her to be done. There wasn't much I could say to help about Dad, I was talking to a woman that is good to a fault, loves to a fault, believes to a fault. One of the single greatest people I have ever met......to a fault. So I did what I could about Dad....saying the things I always say, praying the crying will stop. I continued on to tell her that I was changing....getting "back on track," getting my life together, explaining how I was starting to make enough money to try to correct these money problems we have. And just when the timing was right....BAM!! there it was, that perfect time for a well placed joke.....that joke that could force a smile on a face that hadn't seen one all day. Thank you God, I thought, just help me out here. I changed the subject, complimented on ANYTHING that I could find that was different about the house, things cleaned, things moved, the way the AMAZING dinner smelled. There really isn't enough that you can do for a person that life has used for a doormat.... God knows I don't do enough most times...It's not too late I thought as we walked into the living room. I need something to get her mind off of the day, I thought about it for a second...and then it hit me, our saving grace at this moment....playoff football. What?? Isn't that a bonding experience with all guys and their mothers?? OK, yeah I know...not so much, but when I played football, my mom got into football. Started following it because I played it, because I loved it, which branched into being a St. Louis Cardinals fan...and really hasn't looked back since. She's the type of fan that you can call to see where the Cardinal's are and when they play, not just a fair weather fan. I sat there in sheer amazement that I had been bailed out....not to mention by none other than Brett Favre and a ninety pound Boxer that insists that he is a lap dog. We laughed, we talked, commented on how spoiled the dog was, how good Brett's arm was...ya know...the important things in life. Yeah.......we miss you Dad.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
What makes your clock tick??
Ok....I know Im gonna piss off a LOT of people with this, but hey....thats why they put this up, for MY thoughts. So....I apologize in advance...feel free to throw rotten fruit at me the next time you see me.
So, got a few things on my mind....Ok, ask yourself, what defines your life?? Is it your job?? Your relationship?? Your children?? Your material things?? Your faith?? Your choices?? If there is any broad cross section of people reading this Im sure every one of those can be accounted for...some people may check more than one...Im really getting off point. So.....is this a by product of the evolution of our society?? I would say a product of a capitalistic society BUT it is present in other societies....just we as a money hoarding country...we are the most guilty. Ill tell you one thing...this is NOT a product of basic evolution.....throughout the last few millennia, humans have evolved from hunter gatherer societies in which they defined their life by their ability to reproduce and feed said offspring....protect their families and feed them...no more. So....what is bugging the SHIT out of me is the materialistic, two faced, nothing but a glorified fucking cattle show that we call a life. Ok......Ill admit, certain things have set me off to write this but it was a series of small things that got spinning in this pressure cooker that I call a brain that really got me going.
Ok, let me set this up. I have been dealing with a lot of "image" issues lately. My image, my friend's images, what people think of them, what they WANT people to think of them (this is good and bad, Im not just speaking of negative issues.) it seems to me that some people's public persona means more to them than the serious relationships in their life. And if you think this is about you...more than likely its not...dont fret, who gives a damn what I think about you anyway. See....I disagree with the OBSESSION over public image...people are going to think what they will about you...and the harder you try to mold yourself into something...the people that are worth having the desire of their approval will see through that....its not hard. THINK ABOUT THAT!! The harder you work at it...the more foolish you look. Ok, now to what else brought me to this, I was browsing around this sickness we call myspace (I know...Ive got a lot of room to talk) when I came across a quote on this girls myspace:
"Girls need four pets, a mink in their closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for it all."
Well.....aren't your parents fucking proud of you.....wow. Ok, maybe Im being a little overdramatic about this, but this is half of the issue we have. People are centering around a life of money and possessions. This kills me, I have never "wanted" for anything in my life in a material sense. I have had/have parents that have worked theirselves literally/figuratively to death providing for me. PLEASE GOD do not for a SECOND think I take that for granted. I have something in the way of a family that a lot of people dont. I am very thankful for that, but its these people that not only expect these material things but base their success on these things......I dont claim to have all the answers but I do have this request...step back and think for a while.....deal?? I had someone a year ago tell me that I was a "waste of potential." Ok, so in this person's eyes I am supposed to be a practicing doctor right now....a lawyer in a firm in Chicago...A downsizing exec. Ok, perhaps I have not lived up to my potential throughout my life...but I asked this person. "Will you go to my funeral??" This person gave me a bewildered look and said, "I'd hope I would be a pallbearer." I looked at this person (yes...Im using ambiguous terms, protecting identity here people!!) and said, "Exactly, Im not measuring my success about what I die with. Im measuring it by the length of the line in that funeral home." I cant define my life by what I have, I DO want to be able to pay my bills and have fun when I want, but the car I drive or the house I live mean nothing to me....I think its foolish. Call me a bum, underachiever, what ever you want.....we just simply agree to disagree. Dont lash out at someone because they make a statement that makes you uncomfortable or threatened...Explain your point..dont call someone names... I have been a people pleaser for a lot of years...now granted, Im not as much of one these days but time changes people. But while Im standing by my statement on how Im measuring my success in the quantity and qualities of relationships in my life....I still think Im missing something. My roller coaster of a life has been up, down, in pieces, and put back together. And while I can say that I feel great about the fact that I have a LOT of people that have stood beside me during this, have all of them? No, but that just seems to weed my X-Mas card list down nicely. I am happy with where my life is going.....I just feel like I need that next step...that next piece.....Im pretty sure I know what I dont want it to be....but Im a lot farther away from what that piece is. Once again...Im NOT trying to say that I have answers here...this is just my opinion. I realize Im standing on a pile of broken glass right now....hell my fingers fell chapped from all the rocks I threw...but Im at a point where Im ready to take that next step, try to become a better person. SOO, just thought I'd throw that out there....
So, got a few things on my mind....Ok, ask yourself, what defines your life?? Is it your job?? Your relationship?? Your children?? Your material things?? Your faith?? Your choices?? If there is any broad cross section of people reading this Im sure every one of those can be accounted for...some people may check more than one...Im really getting off point. So.....is this a by product of the evolution of our society?? I would say a product of a capitalistic society BUT it is present in other societies....just we as a money hoarding country...we are the most guilty. Ill tell you one thing...this is NOT a product of basic evolution.....throughout the last few millennia, humans have evolved from hunter gatherer societies in which they defined their life by their ability to reproduce and feed said offspring....protect their families and feed them...no more. So....what is bugging the SHIT out of me is the materialistic, two faced, nothing but a glorified fucking cattle show that we call a life. Ok......Ill admit, certain things have set me off to write this but it was a series of small things that got spinning in this pressure cooker that I call a brain that really got me going.
Ok, let me set this up. I have been dealing with a lot of "image" issues lately. My image, my friend's images, what people think of them, what they WANT people to think of them (this is good and bad, Im not just speaking of negative issues.) it seems to me that some people's public persona means more to them than the serious relationships in their life. And if you think this is about you...more than likely its not...dont fret, who gives a damn what I think about you anyway. See....I disagree with the OBSESSION over public image...people are going to think what they will about you...and the harder you try to mold yourself into something...the people that are worth having the desire of their approval will see through that....its not hard. THINK ABOUT THAT!! The harder you work at it...the more foolish you look. Ok, now to what else brought me to this, I was browsing around this sickness we call myspace (I know...Ive got a lot of room to talk) when I came across a quote on this girls myspace:
"Girls need four pets, a mink in their closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for it all."
Well.....aren't your parents fucking proud of you.....wow. Ok, maybe Im being a little overdramatic about this, but this is half of the issue we have. People are centering around a life of money and possessions. This kills me, I have never "wanted" for anything in my life in a material sense. I have had/have parents that have worked theirselves literally/figuratively to death providing for me. PLEASE GOD do not for a SECOND think I take that for granted. I have something in the way of a family that a lot of people dont. I am very thankful for that, but its these people that not only expect these material things but base their success on these things......I dont claim to have all the answers but I do have this request...step back and think for a while.....deal?? I had someone a year ago tell me that I was a "waste of potential." Ok, so in this person's eyes I am supposed to be a practicing doctor right now....a lawyer in a firm in Chicago...A downsizing exec. Ok, perhaps I have not lived up to my potential throughout my life...but I asked this person. "Will you go to my funeral??" This person gave me a bewildered look and said, "I'd hope I would be a pallbearer." I looked at this person (yes...Im using ambiguous terms, protecting identity here people!!) and said, "Exactly, Im not measuring my success about what I die with. Im measuring it by the length of the line in that funeral home." I cant define my life by what I have, I DO want to be able to pay my bills and have fun when I want, but the car I drive or the house I live mean nothing to me....I think its foolish. Call me a bum, underachiever, what ever you want.....we just simply agree to disagree. Dont lash out at someone because they make a statement that makes you uncomfortable or threatened...Explain your point..dont call someone names... I have been a people pleaser for a lot of years...now granted, Im not as much of one these days but time changes people. But while Im standing by my statement on how Im measuring my success in the quantity and qualities of relationships in my life....I still think Im missing something. My roller coaster of a life has been up, down, in pieces, and put back together. And while I can say that I feel great about the fact that I have a LOT of people that have stood beside me during this, have all of them? No, but that just seems to weed my X-Mas card list down nicely. I am happy with where my life is going.....I just feel like I need that next step...that next piece.....Im pretty sure I know what I dont want it to be....but Im a lot farther away from what that piece is. Once again...Im NOT trying to say that I have answers here...this is just my opinion. I realize Im standing on a pile of broken glass right now....hell my fingers fell chapped from all the rocks I threw...but Im at a point where Im ready to take that next step, try to become a better person. SOO, just thought I'd throw that out there....
Monday, January 14, 2008
My only political rant...promise.
OK, I know I am practically kicking a dead horse with this but I had the PLEASURE of having to listen/tolerate Bill O'Reilly tonight. I work at a job where I spend approximately thirty to forty-five minutes hooking up a series of electrodes to a person before I monitor them all night,(keep your seats, it's as glamorous as it sounds) and I had a patient tonight that insisted on watching this.....person....(I'm trying not to sling mud here...he does that enough) while I hooked her up. Well tonight Bill was......Bill, lashing out at anyone that has any different view, social or political, and basically insulting the intelligence of any that do not practice AND preach the right wing conservative DOGMA. But that IS what the belief system of the Republican party is right??? HATE and FEAR anything that is not like you....
I was raised in an extremely conservative God fearing Southern Baptist home, moved away and was exposed to different creeds and personalities in college; atheist, agnostic, conservative, liberal, apathy, and fanaticism. I consider these social interactions as much of my learning experience in college as I do my time in classrooms, I learned a lot from just listening to people. Now, much to my mother's dismay...no it's not a phase... my views have changed drastically during and since college. My point is the fact that Bill got me thinking, we have an unbelievable need for change in this country. The fundamentalist extremists that run this country are literally running it into the ground....I mean there are detainees in Guantanamo Bay being held on suspicion....for YEARS without trial, simply on their skin color and creed/religion. I watched an interview with a general that audited that prison, and while not verbatim, he said that a fraction of the population in that prison are being held justifiably. I know what you are thinking, people that are not American citizens are not entitled to the rights of said person but that is an incredibly slippery slope. OK, Ill get off that soapbox and get to a point that hits home....
As of Saturday, 3,921 U.S. military personnel have been killed since March of 2003...that does not include the wounded...or the mothers, wives, and children that have to care for the wounded....whether that is putting up with the nightmares, helping out of bed, or even changing diapers. I hope that puts the same image in your head that it does mine. As we go about our lives there are government agencies crawling all over our civil liberties to "defend freedom in America" OK, what about the nearly 4,000 people that have died fighting a war in a country half a world away against a country that couldn't even harm a U.S. citizen 200 miles outside of its borders.....Were they protecting our freedom here???? It literally makes my skin crawl to think that there is a CHANCE that those people died in vain....I don't even like to entertain the idea....I refuse to believe it!! which is why WE have to do something about it...here is a quick vocabulary lesson.
Fascism: A political philosophy, movement, or regime (as that of the Fascisti) that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.
OK, while we are not quite there...we are a hell of a lot closer than I care to be. I met a girl this weekend in Lawrence KS that gave me a good feeling about the upcoming year. She was in the area campaigning for Obama, she was volunteering her time for a cause that she believed in and most importantly CHANGE. Lets get this party out of office....this girl is traveling many miles for change...drive to the damn polls....we have NO excuse. I know none of what I have written is groundbreaking...new....or even entertaining, but it's eating at me and I had to get it off my chest. I'm ending this with a quote from Timothy Leary, just because you are told something.....it doesn't necessarily make it true.
Think for yourself
Question authority
Throughout human history, as our species has faced the frightening, terrorizing fact that we do not know who we are, or where we are going in this ocean of chaos, it has been the authorities, the political, the religious, the educational authorities who attempted to comfort us by giving us order, rules, regulations, informing, forming in our minds their view of reality. To think for yourself you must question authority and learn how to put yourself in a state of vulnerable, open-mindedness; chaotic, confused, vulnerability to inform yourself.
Think for yourself.
Question authority.
I was raised in an extremely conservative God fearing Southern Baptist home, moved away and was exposed to different creeds and personalities in college; atheist, agnostic, conservative, liberal, apathy, and fanaticism. I consider these social interactions as much of my learning experience in college as I do my time in classrooms, I learned a lot from just listening to people. Now, much to my mother's dismay...no it's not a phase... my views have changed drastically during and since college. My point is the fact that Bill got me thinking, we have an unbelievable need for change in this country. The fundamentalist extremists that run this country are literally running it into the ground....I mean there are detainees in Guantanamo Bay being held on suspicion....for YEARS without trial, simply on their skin color and creed/religion. I watched an interview with a general that audited that prison, and while not verbatim, he said that a fraction of the population in that prison are being held justifiably. I know what you are thinking, people that are not American citizens are not entitled to the rights of said person but that is an incredibly slippery slope. OK, Ill get off that soapbox and get to a point that hits home....
As of Saturday, 3,921 U.S. military personnel have been killed since March of 2003...that does not include the wounded...or the mothers, wives, and children that have to care for the wounded....whether that is putting up with the nightmares, helping out of bed, or even changing diapers. I hope that puts the same image in your head that it does mine. As we go about our lives there are government agencies crawling all over our civil liberties to "defend freedom in America" OK, what about the nearly 4,000 people that have died fighting a war in a country half a world away against a country that couldn't even harm a U.S. citizen 200 miles outside of its borders.....Were they protecting our freedom here???? It literally makes my skin crawl to think that there is a CHANCE that those people died in vain....I don't even like to entertain the idea....I refuse to believe it!! which is why WE have to do something about it...here is a quick vocabulary lesson.
Fascism: A political philosophy, movement, or regime (as that of the Fascisti) that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.
OK, while we are not quite there...we are a hell of a lot closer than I care to be. I met a girl this weekend in Lawrence KS that gave me a good feeling about the upcoming year. She was in the area campaigning for Obama, she was volunteering her time for a cause that she believed in and most importantly CHANGE. Lets get this party out of office....this girl is traveling many miles for change...drive to the damn polls....we have NO excuse. I know none of what I have written is groundbreaking...new....or even entertaining, but it's eating at me and I had to get it off my chest. I'm ending this with a quote from Timothy Leary, just because you are told something.....it doesn't necessarily make it true.
Think for yourself
Question authority
Throughout human history, as our species has faced the frightening, terrorizing fact that we do not know who we are, or where we are going in this ocean of chaos, it has been the authorities, the political, the religious, the educational authorities who attempted to comfort us by giving us order, rules, regulations, informing, forming in our minds their view of reality. To think for yourself you must question authority and learn how to put yourself in a state of vulnerable, open-mindedness; chaotic, confused, vulnerability to inform yourself.
Think for yourself.
Question authority.
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